When you know better, but stuff up anyway

Don’t you hate it when you know better but you screw yourself anyway? Those times when you know damn well that you’re making every mistake in the book and yet you keep on at it? I’ve been there again recently despite knowing a hell of a lot better.

It’s like watching your kid fall – those times when you know it’s about to happen, you can see what’s coming, but you’re stuck rooted to the spot and can only watch the disaster unfold. It’s the same deal when you can see yourself making mistakes – whether it be destructive thoughts or crappy food choices – you can see the disaster all around you but you can’t seem to stop it.

The self-sabotage siren has been sneaking around me lately and instead of kicking the cow to the curb, I’ve let the nasty girl traipse all over me. And when she’s stomping around in my head, I couldn’t be bothered with all the good stuff – all the nurturing, selfish mum good-for-me stuff. Because you just don’t feel deserving of anything when someone’s being mean to you, especially when it’s yourself.

The outrageous part is that I knew I was doing it to myself and didn’t pull up stumps. I just let it happen.

Until I became sick of myself, and did one little thing which made all the difference.

I went for a walk.

That’s all. After a good month or so of self defeat, I went for a walk along the beach and the fog cleared. I hadn’t been doing any movement – I opt to move every day as opposed to exercise – and hadn’t been on a walk for ages even though I know I feel energised and terrific when I do. Even though I knew how much I loved the scenery along the way and knew it would make me feel better about everything. I just didn’t do it. I was like the plumber with the leaky taps – I hadn’t been following any of the advice I give to others. I had my priorities all screwed up.

It’s a reminder to me to never underestimate the power of nature to lift and refresh. It’s been a reminder to me the enormous difference self caremakes to my mental state and my overall happiness.

So when you know better, listen to yourself.